Question: Assalamu alikkum(Varah…)
Alhamdullha i am engaged and gonna get marry in sha ALLAH Coming Dec(dua for me). i have a serious question.

I am moderate practicing muslim(alhamdullah). recently i saw my fiancee facebook page and i found that she has many boy friends that too mostly non musilms. and i noticed some of the conversation, which is very close like he s teasing her and she s teasing too. which i cannot digest. apart from that her page 90%  consits of movies, songs celebrity pages, which clearly shows she s not religious. which i was not expected.

But i found now very recently and i told told indirectly to de-activate the facebook page. she deactivated after my saying and she likes me . and moreover their family is very good and religious but it seems they don’t know about her.

i accepted this proposal considering she might be religious and based on their family. but  found vice-verse.

Please tell me wht shall i do. frankly i too like her but that conversation she had with boy friend is really poking me up and i cant digest.

wht shall i do, shall i reject the proposal? but Almost every thing s finalized now. if i reject the proposal many of our and their family hearts gonna break.

i  am confused please please help me just tell me wht islam say’s about it.

Time: July 22, 2014 at 7:24 AM

Answer: Walaikumsalam,

Points to remember:

• Islams tells us to find a woman that is pious, one that shows respect to herself, her household, husband, religion, etc. As it appears, for a woman that is religious, she has sure slipped up. People do make mistakes, we cannot judge her for ever for this error, however, a public error of this type does not bode very well.
• Why this is happening: Girls find it okay to fool around because boys have been doing it for a long time. Traditional women generally do not always do it in person, they are more discrete. Thus, using FB, etc. Sometimes they slipup, and thus Allah (SWT) gave you insight regarding her. Use this insight wisely.
• Advice: It is best you move on. Shaytan will haunt you regarding the poor quality choices that she took part in.
• Alternatively, if you do marry her due to her ‘change,’ she will have to ‘over prove’ herself. This can prove frustrating for her and for you. Again, Shaytan would provoke you to look for faults in her. “We only find what we look for.’ Therefore, it is best you move on. However, do not htink that moving on will always find you a better woman! Istikarah would also help you a lot.

The hidden game

Amongst the methods we least advocate is those in which couples fall prey to the whispers of shaytan and aspire to a tangled romantic web of interaction. This usually includes cell phone, email, and other secretive communication, communication that when made public would cause embarrassment to couples and those that care most about them. Such interactions prove messy for marriage minded couples with an Islamic consciousness; it also proves embarrassing for respectable families. It is such neglectful selfish and premature behavior which causes reputations to be crushed.

How to proceed with a proposal
Be professional in your approach.  Do not beat around the bush as to what you seeking in life. Be realistic about yourself and the intended spouse. Get fair criticism about yourself and the other person. Marriage in Islam is a contract between two people. Treat it as such. Do not make your husband/wife a marriage partner before they have become your spouse. Your in-laws are your in-laws, and treat them as such. Do not get casual with anyone, it would reflect poorly on your abilities.

Don’t meet for a mere few minutes or when you not feeling comfortable. Do not feel pressured or rushed. If you are placed in a tight fix, ask for time out. Know clearly when something is either too good to be true, or when something is going haywire. During moments of indecisiveness, seek out the noble method of istikara. It is essential that you take your time and reflect well regarding the consequences of your choices at hand. Marriage is not a toy and do not treat it as such.

Type of person to seek out as partner

Persons getting married, or parties seeking to help individuals get married must focus on the following Hadith: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property-wealth she possesses, for her societal status, for her beauty, and her religion (level of compliance to religious matters. So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper”. (Bukahri and Muslim.) Words of this Hadith may differ, but the overall meaning of these words can be found in numerous places.

To ignore any of the above, more so to persuade a person away from the above hadith would result is serious consequences. To fail in having what is known as the meeting of the minds on critical elements sort by each party is tantamount to ignoring Hadith. To ignore Hadith causes devastation in marriage, regardless of how noble the intention of each participant. In Islam, religion and institution of marriage are inextricably bound.

Compatibility (kufu) is sort in the following:

Is their compatibility through lineage? Generally, woman should marry upwards to appreciate her husband. Doing the opposite creates a man to feel inadequate and could result in children viewing the father as weak. This would cause relational concerns over an extended period of time. The exception to this rule would be if a man married a very pious woman — a scarcity these days for both, men and woman.

Compatibility in religion should never be neglected. Are all parties attempting or seeking the same outcome? Have their families aspired to the same outcome on critical matters? Are they both seeking the same goals in life? Does one view wealth as a critical factor, whilst the other seeks religiosity? If marrying upwards, can one maintain the other?

Is there compatibility in profession? Is the husband to be from a family of doctors and the bride to be from a family of goldsmiths?

Taking the above advice which is extracted from Hadtih would prove beneficial. Think wisely, and take all the necessary religious steps to ensure your integrity, and the integrity of each participant. Allah loves those that are fair. Never forget, you are human, and so is the other person. To let go of the human factor is a remedy for gradual disintegration.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

What qualities to look for in a spouse post: http://knowyourdeen.com/qa/?p=2041