Q. (from our comment box) Sadly this is a reality even here in Salt Lake where it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find a young woman (or a man) who hasn’t been on a date. Even in some of our home countries, (I’m realizing now) it is hard to find that innocent girl (or man) who’s held up his/her side of the bargain. So now the question is how can you find out without invading a possible significant other’s privacy?

Q. How do I find a right person to marry.….

Q. What qualities do we look for in a spouse?

A. Your question is a highly valid one from any vantage point. A person can be living in a remote village, likewise,  an individual can be living amongst the most modern of people and environments; they are all confronted by similar concerns. Muslims live in quest of finding a good righteous partner so as to enjoy the remainder portion of their lives.  This is essential to all conscientious Muslims.  Islam has outlined methods to attain useful information regarding the person one is seeking to marry. Amongst the critical things sort is knowing the type of individual you are seeking, and the methods used to gain insight regarding the potential spouse. Ignoring the method or seeking out the wrong person creates havoc in people’s lives.

Methods utilized to get married:

Traditionally, to ensure the best ‘catch’ people have come to rely upon 3^rd party recommendations. For many, the 3^rd party scheme is utilized as a face saving ploy, should the ‘background’ references not hold in the direction of individual/family expectations.

Credible 3^rd parties are those that individuals most trust and a person seeks them out for their direct assistance. Never seek out chronic 3^rd party matchmakers, or those seeking martial couples for self gain/glory coupled with an agenda. To fall prey to such a third party would be to set yourself up for a romantic plummet. Credible 3^rd parties make an earnest effort to find out what each person is really wanting out of life.

Parental factor

Parents should also be sort within the marital process. Since marriage involves the family unit, families should be made to be involved. Parents, uncles, aunts, etc. have been with their children for most of their lives. Sensitive family members can usually gauge what the child is really seeking in a potential mate. Both parties ought to have the best interest of not only their child, but the child of the other parent as well. To be selfish at this critical juncture is sheer cruelty to the one we love most.

Sadly, people generally have only their immediate party in mind. Perceiving an opposing party as weak in their decision making skills, views others as gullible, s/he a great catch, ‘foolish enough to marry my child’ etc are the wrong reason for getting married. Such thinking is premature and lacks fortitude.  The idea of choice should NEVER be forgotten. If the woman/man seems confused, wanting something different, time should be given to them to think farther about the matter. Muslims are not called upon to subscribe to the English saying: “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.”

The hidden game

Aggressive or passively strategic aggressive behavior should never be tolerated. Each person must be attentive to the needs of the ‘boy’ and ‘girl.’ To salvage this attentiveness is to salvage an entire relationship, or contribute to two-party crises. This would also facilitate a sin, regardless of how noble the intention.

Amongst the methods we least advocate is those in which couples fall prey to the whispers of shaytan and aspire to a tangled romantic web of interaction. This usually includes cell phone, email, and other secretive communication, communication that when made public would cause embarrassment to couples and those that care most about them. Such interactions prove messy for marriage minded couples with an Islamic consciousness; it also proves embarrassing for respectable families. It is such neglectful selfish and premature behavior which causes reputations to be crushed.

How to proceed with a proposal
Be professional in your approach.  Do not beat around the bush as to what you seeking in life. Be realistic about yourself and the intended spouse. Get fair criticism about yourself and the other person. Marriage in Islam is a contract between two people. Treat it as such. Do not make your husband/wife a marriage partner before they have become your spouse. Your in-laws are your in-laws, and treat them as such. Do not get casual with anyone, it would reflect poorly on your abilities.

Don’t meet for a mere few minutes or when you not feeling comfortable. Do not feel pressured or rushed. If you are placed in a tight fix, ask for time out. Know clearly when something is either too good to be true, or when something is going haywire. During moments of indecisiveness, seek out the noble method of istikara. It is essential that you take your time and reflect well regarding the consequences of your choices at hand. Marriage is not a toy and do not treat it as such.

Type of person to seek out as partner

Persons getting married, or parties seeking to help individuals get married must focus on the following Hadith: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property-wealth she possesses, for her societal status, for her beauty, and her religion (level of compliance to religious matters. So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper”. (Bukahri and Muslim.) Words of this Hadith may differ, but the overall meaning of these words can be found in numerous places.

To ignore any of the above, more so to persuade a person away from the above hadith would result is serious consequences. To fail in having what is known as the meeting of the minds on critical elements sort by each party is tantamount to ignoring Hadith. To ignore Hadith causes devastation in marriage, regardless of how noble the intention of each participant. In Islam, religion and institution of marriage are inextricably bound.

Compatibility (kufu) is sort in the following:

Is their compatibility through lineage? Generally, woman should marry upwards to appreciate her husband. Doing the opposite creates a man to feel inadequate and could result in children viewing the father as weak. This would cause relational concerns over an extended period of time. The exception to this rule would be if a man married a very pious woman — a scarcity these days for both, men and woman.

Compatibility in religion should never be neglected. Are all parties attempting or seeking the same outcome? Have their families aspired to the same outcome on critical matters? Are they both seeking the same goals in life? Does one view wealth as a critical factor, whilst the other seeks religiosity? If marrying upwards, can one maintain the other?

Is there compatibility in profession? Is the husband to be from a family of doctors and the bride to be from a family of goldsmiths?

Taking the above advice which is extracted from Hadtih would prove beneficial. Think wisely, and take all the necessary religious steps to ensure your integrity, and the integrity of each participant. Allah loves those that are fair. Never forget, you are human, and so is the other person. To let go of the human factor is a remedy for gradual disintegration.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.