The LA Times has an interesting front page story on Muslim teens in America today*. I would urge every Muslim parent, and indeed every Muslim concerned with the issues confronting our various communities, to read, reflect, and act on the contents of this article. In the meantime, allow me to share with you my reflections.

The main thrust of this article is to share with the world what our teens do…and what parents don’t realize they are doing. This is certainly not unique to Muslim communities, and is common in all communities across the United States and across the world, and this has been the case for decades, if not centuries. While it is common, however, this is not a reason for us as responsible parents, aunts, and uncles, and elder cousins, to let it go unchecked. Teens running rampant can cause unmitigated damage to themselves more than to anybody else in the community. But, it begs the question…why do our teens feel the need for a secret life, a secret identity, a secret thought-development process? Why do they not trust their families to aid them in navigating the confusing lives that we ourselves, by migrating to the West, have given them? Could it be true that we are not able to calmly help them through the shocking things they are reading, hearing, seeing, and, Allah forbid, even doing? To understand and aid our teens, we must first empower ourselves by helping ourselves.

To put ourselves in the correct frame of mind, we must first understand why it is we have moved West-ward, and what of our religion and cultures we intended to keep upon migration. Did we come to the United States merely for a better life, or was it so that we may also impart our Islamic way of life to our new environment? Assimilation into our new environment is important, but throwing the baby out with the bath-water is one of the first mistakes we make as immigrants. Thus, we provide an environment in which our children are brought up to be proud Muslims who successfully complete the Qur’aan by the age of 10, have a big party in celebration of that milestone, and then go on into the world with hardly any knowledge of what is contained in that Qur’aan. Our children are brought up to be proud Indians/Pakistanis/Somalis/Bosnians/Fill-in-the-country-of-your-choice who wear beautiful shalwaar khameez/costume-of-your-country on the two Eids, and then go on into the world with the barest understanding of what hijab means for both boys and girls. Are the children to blame for their confusion? Or is it really as simple as: they have not been provided enough information to build a solidly informed Muslim-American identity? My contention is that it really is that simple, and we have nobody to blame but the first-generation immigrants who neglected to understand that values are taught, not inherited in their children’s DNA.

It is not a new thing for teens/young adults to question Islam and cultural traditions, and it is not a behavior pattern confined to the United States. The questioning (and questionable) behavior is more startling when we are taken out of our native environments, and when we older folks first came here, we questioned the importance of many Islamic fundamentals. We questioned the ideas of gender segregation in Eid gatherings, we questioned the need for women to remain as homemakers, we questioned the necessity for men to wear beards, we questioned the requirement for hijab. We questioned, and some of us resolved our questions, and some have not…but nobody died just by having a discussion. We understood that sometimes there is going to be a difference of opinion, and heated arguments, but that is called brainstorming. Sometimes people just need to let ideas marinate in their heads and hearts for a while before they can understand the validity of Islamic injunctions…and nobody died just because we went through that process.

Today’s teens have different issues facing them. They have lived their entire lives here, with an occasional (sometimes frequent) trip back to their parent’s birth countries as visitors. They have identified, and been encouraged by us as parents and community elders to identify, rightly so, as American Muslims. What we didn’t realize when we encouraged them to develop this new identity is that new questions come along with this new identity. Some of our kids are going to want know what it feels like to be a punk rocker. Some of our teens are going to want to know what it feels like to go on a date…and how can it be wrong when so many of their friends in the neighborhood/school are doing it. Those same teens may never give you the slightest idea of what is going on behind their innocent eyes and sweet smiles. It is your duty as parents to let them know that bringing those questions out in the open is ok, that nobody will have a heart attack just because an otherwise sweet child asks some not-so-sweet questions.

It may be that your teenager’s questions are too much for you to handle. Seek out an imaam who can assist your family with these trying situations. That’s what the imaams are there for. As parents, you may not have all the answers, but identifying who does is one of the keys to being an effective parent.

It is certainly true that however open-minded you think you are, your children will show you how traditional you are in actuality. Let the discussions rage, and know that when you truly open minds, you open doors to true understanding of yourselves, your faith, and your cultures.

* The Koran, punk rock and lots of questions, By Erika Hayasaki, LA Times, November 19, 2008