Q.1. Why is there a distinction as to why a man can marry woman of the book, but not woman? Some non-Muslim men are better than Muslim men. Can you share an Islamic rationale?

Q.2. Why is it permissible that a Muslim brother marry a non-believing woman if the reverse is not allowed?

Q.3. Can Muslim men marry disbelieving woman?

Q.4. I am attracted to this guy, he is sooo cool. He really respects, more than my own brothers.

Answer: We thank you all for your questions, we have delayed our response, for that we must apologize.  May our response reach you all and your families in the most enriching of spiritual and physical health, Ameen.

The issue pertaining to marriage, more so between members of differing faiths has always been a topic of interest for people living under the umbrella of diversity, particularly to those of us in the West. The above questions are fair questions in light of our current environment, and we have maintained our response to the criteria and works of the Quran, Hadith and Sunnah.

First things first:

Every major monotheistic religion’s purity comprises of laws and regulations within its inherent structure that functions to enhance its members connection between themselves and Creator. It is as a result of such a built-in process that our rules and regulations have deep meaning and shared value to us. It is fair to declare that our spiritual success has a direct relationship upon the level of compliance we confer to its laws.

Regarding Our Allah, amongst His many qualities, we firmly believe that He is Loving, Compassionate, Merciful, Strongest of the strongest, Independent, as well as All Knowing and Knowledgeable. He is aware of things from time immemorial to time immemorial.  It is only out His Mercy and Wisdom has He allowed for certain things to be permissible, certain things to be refrained from, whilst allowing certain things to be permissible but yet frowned upon.

In light of the above, there must be a reason as to why a religion would allow for a relationship to thrive between people of a particular grouping, and not another. To understand such a reasoning, we must first understand the position awarded to ‘men and women’ from a religious perspective in general. Such a reflection upon monotheistic faiths would declare that ‘men’ are generally ‘head of household’ in the most genuine form. The Qur’an expresses who is a ‘real man’ in the following verse from surah Nisa (woman, Ayah 34), Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) states:

??? ????? ?????? ?????? ??? ?????? ??? ??? ???? ????? ??? ??? ???? ?????? ?? ??????? ????????? ?????? ?????? ????? ??? ??? ???? ??????? ?????? ?????? ?????? ???????? ?? ??????? ???????? ??? ?????? ??? ????? ????? ????? ?? ???? ??? ???? ?????

Men are the guardians of women, because Allah has made some excel others (be it in strength, etc), and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (gently, not as to leave bruises and marks on their bodies); but if they return to you in obedience, seek not methods against them (by holding an unwanted grudge): For Allah is Most High, Great. (4:34)

Focusing only on this portion: ?????? ?????? ??? ?????? (Men are guardians {caretakers, protectors} of women) there are many subtle points that emanate from the word guardian alone. This word permit and limits certain positions of men within the framework of family life in Islam.  The word guardian alone refers to men having in their capacity the strength to protect the integrity are dignity of their families. The effect of this can only be as a result of good choices men make regarding the type of woman they chose to marry. In the same vain the knowledge and education men chose to  impart to the family, appropriate disciplinary  measures extended for an infraction, economic, social and emotional needs they fulfill, etc. are all critical areas to be fulfilled within the male capacity and are things they are highly responsible for.

Such a shared definition of ‘guardian’ makes it necessary that a man be respected, and his respect comes as a result of religious compliance. Not merely because he checks the male box when filling out the gender box on a survey! Now should a woman chose to marry a disbeliever, the couple would be living under differing religious views, many of which would contradict her set of values as to how a man should value and respect her dignity as well as rights.

To illustrate, Islam commands her to dress in a modest manner, not to meet and communicate with her husbands friends in a ‘free’ and open manner, never dare to intermingle, let alone dancing with them, etc. A non-Muslim man in contrast is allowed according to his religion to permit his wife to hug, kiss, dance and socialize with whomever they chose under the guise of ‘friendship.’ Non-Muslims are also allowed to consume alcohol and live a freer lifestyle as opsed to a Muslim(ah). His religion (non-Muslim) allows him to file bankruptcy when payments cannot be met, take part in interest (riba) transaction and her marriage to him would facilitate such disallowed and cursed dealings. As a responsible Muslimah, it is her duty to stop wrong. But due to her position of being a wife and beneficiary of all that he accomplishers (if one calls these actions accomplishments), she has to accept wrong, and promote such a lifestyle – either as an active or silent participant. In Islam, such actions are repulsive, a denigration to self, humanity and religion.

In fairness to our sisters, as much as we in the west like to think that the glass ceiling has been broken, to think that equality is to marry as some of our men choose is the wrong type of quality to seek. Although men may reduce the status of woman as a result of illiteracy and backward cultural norms, Islam has liberated her beyond ink can articulate. Her strength can only be viewed when she understands her own value and that her body and mind is not a toy for any man’s desire.  Noting this fact, her being married to a non-Muslim man limits such an actualization process and thus limits her religious freedom and places her under what she dreads most, serfdom. While she is comforted by believing that she is functioning out of choice, the reality is that she has chosen to appease the very person who mocks her religion by refusing its acceptance under the banner of religious choice and freedom….and how comforting can that ultimately be?

Her preference for a non-Muslim would take away her option to practice her religion as she chooses, takes away her religious rights, and rather than helping those around aspire to a more noble existence, by her choice she aids society towards possibly debased character, something against the spirit of every healthy religion, including that of Islam.  Her pick of such a man renders religion more or less insignificant, and by her voluntarily and conscientiously doing so, she compromises her dignity and jeopardizes her faith. Her taking a non-Muslim as a guardian would also assist her in violating the verses wishing honor and dignity for all:

?? ????? ????? ????? ?? ??????? ????? ??????? ????? ????????? ?? ????? ????? ?????? ?? ????? ???????? ?????? ??????? ???? ?? ???? ??????

O you who believe! do not take for guardians those who take your religion for a mockery and a joke. (5:57)

??? ????? : ????? ?????????? ?????????????? ?????? ????????? ????????? ??????????? ?????? ???? ??????????? ?????? ?????????????? ????? ?????????? ?????????????? ?????? ??????????? ?????????? ????????? ?????? ???? ????????? ?????? ???????????? ?????????? ????????? ????? ???????? ???????? ???????? ????? ?????????? ??????????????? ?????????? ??????????? ???????? ????????? ??????????? ??????????????}  ???? ??????

Do not marry unbelieving women (idol worshipers), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she entices you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he pleasers you. Unbelievers do (but) invite you to the Fire. But Allah summons by His Grace to the Garden (of paradise) and forgiveness, and makes His Communications clear to humanity: That they may remember (their obligations. (2:221)

These versus make clear to men and women that marriage is something we must attach importance to on levels of physical appeal, as well on the level of promoting spiritual growth within the domain of Islam. Although not always understood, such compatibility can only be achieved as a consequence of religious, social, economic and cultural compatibility. Religious compatibility would thus be defined as marrying that individual who is like yourself or better than you when relating to matters of religious preference. Ironically, this rule applies to inter-religiously connected couples as well, in that marital partners must seek compatibility on religious levels in addition to social, economic, political, and cultural. So we would argue, if inter-religious compatibility is preferred in Islam for spousal harmony, then how can one even fathom a marriage with members outside the faith of Islam?

Corruptive actions are due to people letting shaytan beautify an evil or a shameful endeavor and turn an dispicable action into that which would be viewed as most deserving and likable. As Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) informs us:

??? ??? ??? ??????? ??????? ???? ?? ???? ??? ????? ?? ????? ???? ??? ??? ???? ????? ??????? ??? ??? ?????

Remember Satan made their (sinful) acts seem beautified to them, and said: ‘No one among humanity can overcome you this day, while I am near to your protector.’ ( 8:48 )

But once you have suffered a crisis that is a consequence of sin, as you moan your embarrassment, seeking an escape, shaytan too leaves you.   In-fact when the going gets rough, shaytan states:

??? ???? ???? ??? ??? ?? ?????? ‘I am clear of you; verily I see what you see not.’ I see the punishment of Allah and the pain that is suffered when wrong is chosen over sharia compliant behavior.

( 8:48 ) This ayah makes clear that shaytans ploy is to beautify all deeds that are immoral.  Thus, opposing popular belief, choosing a non-Muslim marital partner is not preferred for men who are lacking knowledge of their religion, for if they are ignorant, then how would it be even remotely plausible for such a Muslim male to teach his non-Muslim counterpart?! Women ,are forbidden to marry non-Muslims due to the distressing impact such a relationship would have upon the institution of marriage in an Islamic family.

Our outlined proofs call for us to advise our brothers to choose their friends and partners wisely. We advise our sisters to do likewise. Men and women have a responsibility, and both must do that which would leave a lasting imprint of positivity upon every facet of life. For this to occur, we must do good for ourselves by making decisions that would make us proud of who we are as Muslims, as well rational humans.

We thank the above brothers and sisters for their questions, and may Allah Help us make great personal choices.

Allah certainly knows best.