Q: Asalamualikum, With all respect, xxxx I wanted to let you know that I limit my conversation with men only on necessary meter. I don’t appreciate any man remarks on my clothes or any other unnecessary comments. This the etiquette of Islam. Thanks for understanding.
A: Walaikumsalam:
Thank you for your message. I intent to be transparent in my response, and i seek clarification within my religious thought process. First-off, I would like to address a concerning implication in the statement made: “I limit my conversation with men only on necessary matters. I don’t appreciate any male remarks on my clothing or any other unnecessary comments.” This could imply that unwarranted comments were made towards you or other women by possible men at our institution or even myself. Such implications can be misleading and are a form of unwarranted implied Buhtan (false accusation/defamation). I trust in Allah’s (SWT) protection for all, ameen.

Allah (SWT) reminds us in Quran 2:83 to speak kindly to others. However, it’s crucial to consider the context of this verse. Is it specific to certain individuals, or is it a general principle? We can all agree, when the Arabic is translated, it is a phrase that has generality associated to it. We all must agree though, if speaking positively to anyone — be it male or female could lead to haram (forbidden) or inappropriate outcomes, then it is imperative to refrain entirely from any sharing of kind words. Rasool (SAW) gave titles to woman and showed us how to appreciate people. This is what we are taught that normal humans do when living in a civil and cordial society.

If one does not prefer to be acknowledged, they should dress as women did at the time of Rasool (SAW). As anyone with even limited Islamic historical knowledge is aware, the practice of some of Sahabiya (women at the time of the Rasool (SAW)) wore black in such a manner so as to not only make them unrecognizable to the opposite gender but also it is said, they resembled themselves to that of ‘crows’ in a setting that they would be seen by men other than mahram. One color, similar design in outfit and presentation of it, etc. Kindly refer to the latter part of the 21st Juzz and the onset of the 22nd juzz of the Quran for more detail. Please do not think that I am promoting or not promoting this possible approach of anyone. However, your message implies that this may be the environment you are seeking, and if such, living in an environment such as the USA gives people such choices, we should be respectful of those seeking it.

In discussing your text, I approach this academically and respectfully, primarily from an Islamic perspective. Let’s set aside discussions related to Islam momentarily, particularly in terms of “etiquette of Islam.” Having studied and been part of teaching religion, we understand that etiquette encompasses various components, including internal aspects linked to Sharia, Quran, Hadith, and Sunnah, as well as environmental considerations aka Urf. Addressing both components is crucial when dealing with Islam, and I aim to address this matter accordingly:

1. Let us first discuss the setting in which this all occurred: Public setting after a sharia based discussion and upon its conclusion in the presence of other people.
2. In the context of compliments regarding clothing, the comment was made in the presence of what our community considers “mature adults.” As a senior respected teacher of religion, you may have observed that others were also wearing jackets, but their jackets were shorter, and none of them were complemented. Could it be that your coat fulfilled the traditional qualities of dawah, serving as a positive example for the religion, children, and fellow teachers? Rather than acknowledging this positive aspect, a request implying otherwise was presented by you, with multiple underlying tones. A comment such as ‘that is a nice coat’ in a non-suggestive vocal tone and in the presence of mature adults to a mature, well-married woman in hijab is by no means haram. However, I welcome corrections if my understanding is incorrect, as it contributes to my learning.
3. If someone opts not to seek acknowledgment, particularly in a mixed-gender setting, it’s advisable for them to align their behavior accordingly. Otherwise, they may naturally receive acknowledgments, such as greetings or other social gestures. This is an inherent aspect of human interactions. Additionally, in the Quran and Hadith, there are instances where the Prophet (SAW) complimented women, men, and children with dignity, honor, and respect. Purposefully engaging in actions to seek compliments might be associated with pride and self-admiration. Criticizing someone for offering a compliment, especially when the recipient did nothing to intentionally attain it, raises questions about the motivation behind one’s attire choices. Further, criticizing the one giving the compliment and attempting to regulate someone else’s behavior, while religion allows for such niceties without compromising religious principles, may be perceived by some as unintentional spiritual arrogance — even though not intended — unless the inquiry genuinely sought religious proof for a specific behavior.
4. We both agree that commenting on appropriate clothing in a private or flirtatious manner is inappropriate and haram, as it creates awkwardness and discomfort and allows the agents of Shaytan to send forth his snares, which by no means is what occurred.

Alhamdulillah, you are a respectable person from an accredited institution. Kindly have the above inquiry and response reviewed for a line-by-line correction by your senior teachers and fatwa department, especially in light of the above Quranic proof above. This way, we can keep this as a learning experience that builds rather than breaks our Imaan and community.

JazakAllah Khair for your thoughtful and sincere engagement on this matter. May Allah (SWT) bless you and all the good work you do for the sake of Allah (SWT), InshaAllah, ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.