Q: Asalamu Aleikum,

Sorry for the long question but I wanted you to understand all aspects of my problem.

I am a 29 years old woman who had married at the age of 24 to a Muslim man from a different culture, who is 18 years older than me, i lived with him, his mother, and his 5 years old daughter (at the time of the marriage) from a previous marriage. Our marriage was not arranged, we married out of acceptance and decent feelings to each other. And i saw how he treated his mother and sisters and thought that he would treat a wife the same way.

However, immediately after our marriage, i found out that i was completely wrong, and even though i know he had decent feelings towards me, i felt like a Jariyah more than a wife. I was doing all house chores for him and his daughter, I loved his daughter and she loved me in return and was attached to me as a mother and a friend. Yet with each argument, my husband would mention that I am not contributing anything to the house.

He was also enforcing work on me, always talking about the importance of work in a western country and that i have to plan for the future incase he was not available to provide for me. I was against the idea and wanted to be a housewife, but he always compared me with his 3 successful older sisters which was a little competitive.

Furthermore, he was always busy doing all type of work besides his regular fulltime job, he was emotionally and physically neglecting me, we never had real privacy due to our situation, our house was always full with unexpected visitors (which is unacceptable in my culture but is normal in his) and tons phone calls at all times (including fajr), therefore we couldn’t maintain a normal intimacy due to constant interruptions, to the extent where i invited him to intimacy many times but he was rejecting me due to him being busy, at the same time, i was available for him every time he requested me even during the days where i felt exhausted due to overwork. Our intimacy was “pathetic” (the only word i found to describe it) from the first day of our marriage, yet we had some few good days to be honest. I had more sexual desires than he did, but he did not know and did not try to put in any effort to know how to please me, his approach in bed was very selfish and almost 95% of the tries were disappointing, as a result, i ended up masturbating during his absence -which was very often- maybe triple the times that we had intercourse during our marital life which was 4 years.

In addition, he was not the type of man who knows how to express his feelings by words OR by action, so there was no decent talks or compliments, there was no occasional gifts (I had to be rude enough to ask him to buy me gifts), there was no romantic outings (our trips ALWAYS had to include other members of his family), there wasn’t any remembrance of any significant occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day…etc)

I had spoken to him on several occasions about our relationship (intimacy and emotional) and how we should work on it, and indirectly indicated what he could do to make me feel a little happy, but my words did not seem important. My mother had visited us and saw how dull our relationship was and told me (later) that she had spoken to him and advised him to give me a little time on a daily basis, but again, everything else besides me seemed like a priority to him, he never asked where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’m meeting, why I’m late, why I stopped my prayers (he wasn’t committed to his prayers either)…etc.

On top of that, i did not have a good relationship with his mother who always considered me an outsider or a “germ” (that’s how i felt), and causing problems out of nowhere due to her jealousy, she was behaving insanely to the point where she physically attacked my mom during her last visit  FOR NO REASON, therefore I was completely avoiding her at home in order to maintain our marriage, which was a little awkward but I was left with no other options. His mother HAD TO live with my husband due to their tradition, even though his sisters and brothers in law knew that we did not get along and yet did not attempt to invite her to live with them in their bigger housings 2 blocks away since she had to live with the son.

While being overwhelmed with all these unresolved issues for 3 years, unfortunately I met a guy at my workplace a year and a half ago who compensated what I’m missing with my husband, which was attention, care, and physical attraction. I was not interested to be with that guy since I sincerely loved my husband, but couldn’t resist the temptation to feel what I’m missing as a young woman who hasn’t been in a relationship before. Our relationship was mostly via emails since we both did not have time to meet that often. I got pregnant from my husband (during my pregnancy, my husband was neglecting me even more that he did not speak or sleep in the same bed for over 3 months during my last trimester due to a stupid fight where I invited him to bed and he was 1 hr and 30 mints late!!). After Allah had blessed us with a beautiful girl, i had committed a sin with my friend at work… I felt -and still feel- guilty, but was too weak to withdraw from that relationship immediately, I was arranging another meeting but kept on making excuses to meet with him again, hoping that I will reach the month of Ramadan (which was one month apart) where I can control myself and ask ALLAH for guidance and repentance, but in the process, my husband found out when I forgot to sign out from my email.

He escalated the issue, told everyone in his family, told my brother, asked us (me and our child) to leave the house at a short notice (kicked us out to be more specific). And we are in the process of divorce.

I was not able to keep my job since I had a home based job and had to leave, and I could not afford to take care of the child by myself in the western country without a job, so i decided to go back to my hometown and stay with my mom.

After my husband had told me that I will have the custody of the child and that he will help me, it seems that his family had pressured him to request the custody thinking that I’m not qualified to raise a child. My husband thinks that I was living with him for financial reasons only, which was not true, I wouldn’t have wanted to establish a family with him if so, besides, I was living at a lower level than I lived with my parents. In addition, he had tricked me and took the gold his family bought me for the marriage.

Now my brother (who is a car service driver) is representing me, his older brother in law (who is a lawyer) is representing him, and we are trying to terminate our marriage based on his will and come to a written agreement about the custody, the child support,…etc without having to go to court. They are requesting the dowry, the rest of the gold, and want to take my child away.

Please generally advise and kindly answer few of my questions:

– I am asking Allah for forgiveness and i have no doubts that Allah is Greater than my great sin, i believe my husband’s attitude towards me played a major role in my mistake, yet i do understand that I had no excuse to commit such a sin whatsoever and totally repent it. What should I do to get over the humiliation that everyone knows about my sin?

– If I was not stoned in life, will Allah still punish me in hereafter? Knowing that I repent my sin and hoping that Allah will accept my repentance, and working on restoring my relationship with Allah which got worse after marriage.

– Do you think that our marriage was healthy? Do you think Allah arranged all that in order to save me from the stress I was facing during the marriage before something worse could happen?

– I always loved and still love my husband and wish he can forgive me, even though i know that it is impossible to go back to him even if he was kind enough to forgive, do you think anyone would forgive such a mistake?

– My husband’s family are pressuring him to take my child, I’m afraid that he will decide to escalate things to court, I cannot afford a lawyer, and I also cannot afford housing in NYC -since I was forced to leave my job- in order to attend any trials, what should I do about that? I also cannot afford to live without my child and I would literally do anything in order to keep her.

– His family are asking for the dowry, and the rest of the gold back. Do I give them back? Or was he not supposed to take anything from me at the first place since he consummated my marriage?

– My mom -even though she had witnessed what i am experiencing and she had predicted that i will end up loosing my mind in a way or another, yet has pity on me- is in a lot of pain and feeling a lot of shame, what can I do to compensate what I did to her?

Time: July 3, 2014 at 6:23 PM

Answers: Walaikumsalam,

Comment before I answer below: Your situation is sad and real. It is all too common. Men and women seldom realize, when they do not take care of each another, their spouses will be tempted to go out and seek the necessary and desired comfort. We always suggest, just as men expect their wives to look nice, they too must look nice. Just as they wish for their wives to take care of them, they too must take care of their wives. Just as they would like their parents to be taken care of, take care of the spouses parents as well. It does not take a lot to make normal good people happy. A little bit of goodness can take people a long way. Men and woman fail to realize this simple aspect of relational development.

I have read your email, I have chosen to merely answer only your questions/concerns. As for the part prior to it, I pray sincerely that Allah (SWT) makes your matters easy for you, amen.

Questions: Please generally advise and kindly answer few of my questions:
Question: – I am asking Allah for forgiveness and i have no doubts that Allah is Greater than my great sin, i believe my husband’s attitude towards me played a major role in my mistake, yet i do understand that I had no excuse to commit such a sin whatsoever and totally repent it. What should I do to get over the humiliation that everyone knows about my sin?

Answer: Make sincere Tawba (seeking of forgiveness). We cannot let our past govern our future. With time, the negatives would go away. One cannot live in continual regret. We learn from our errors and gradually must move on.

Question: – If I was not stoned in life, will Allah still punish me in hereafter? Knowing that I repent my sin and hoping that Allah will accept my repentance, and working on restoring my relationship with Allah which got worse after marriage.

Answer: Allah (SWT) forgives the one that is sincere in their repentance. Allah (SWT) does not take pleasure in punishing His servants. Make tauba, work towards improving your life and give your children the best religious knowledge as part of your atonement. Do not let your past negatives affect you. Being affected by your past only allows shaytan to gain control over you.

Question: – Do you think that our marriage was healthy? Do you think Allah arranged all that in order to save me from the stress I was facing during the marriage before something worse could happen?

Answer: Your marriage was not healthy — both from a religious as well as a secular point of view. You should have sort help immediately when you saw things going wrong. Allah (SWT) does things that are mysterious to the human comprehension. We may dislike what we are going through, but if we hold on strong, we will make great progress. You must refocus and attempt to set new goals for your success. Others are not going to do it for you. We are living in a very materialistic and selfish world. You would have to start creating your own success. Have parameters, seek good religious advice and proceed with as Allah (SWT) would wish for you to proceed.

Question: – I always loved and still love my husband and wish he can forgive me, even though i know that it is impossible to go back to him even if he was kind enough to forgive, do you think anyone would forgive such a mistake?

Answer: Love is a two way street. It also comes with responsibility and a set of obligations from both sides. You both must be willing to forgive each another. Your lesson, this ‘other guy’ did not love you for you, he just wanted to use your body no different from your husband. Make dua to Allah (SWT) that He finds you a respectable person that loves you for the sake of Allah (SWT) and appreciates the good within you.

Question: – My husband’s family are pressuring him to take my child, I’m afraid that he will decide to escalate things to court, I cannot afford a lawyer, and I also cannot afford housing in NYC -since I was forced to leave my job- in order to attend any trials, what should I do about that? I also cannot afford to live without my child and I would literally do anything in order to keep her.

Answer: For this you would need legal advice. Kindly contact legal services. I am sure there are free legal help centers in NYC. A man cannot just take away the child in a situation that a woman is not abusive, etc. Their comes a time for a man to also have custody. It is not when he wants or you want. The child’s best interest must always be taken into consideration.

Question: – His family are asking for the dowry, and the rest of the gold back. Do I give them back? Or was he not supposed to take anything from me at the first place since he consummated my marriage?

Answer: One does not need to give the dowry back. It is yours. Many families ask for what they have given at the time of divorce, doing so is wrong, taking away gifts in such a manner is forbidden. (Discuss this with a local scholar.)

Question: – My mom -even though she had witnessed what i am experiencing and she had predicted that i will end up loosing my mind in a way or another, yet has pity on me- is in a lot of pain and feeling a lot of shame, what can I do to compensate what I did to her?

Answer: Explain your situation to your mother as you have explained it to me. A mother’s love runs very deep. Be strong and convince her things will come right. Start working towards becoming a new you – at least for the sake for your child(ren.) Attend counseling sessions that are organized by people of our faith, people that understand Islam and secular methods of attaining a more positive well-being.

May Allah (SWT) continue to shower His Mercy upon all those that are in a similar to you, ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.