Q: Dear sheikh,
I have a question about a very personal question.
I feel so ashamed of what I am going to say, I fell into zina with a non-muslim 2 years ago and I repented more than a year ago. Now I pray and I read Quran and i try to make myself a better muslim.
I feel desperate and not a minute passes by that I do not feel guilty and repent of what I did.
I have a few questions about my situation:
1- can I get married?
2- do I have to reveal my sins to my future husband? If yes when? Before or after marriage?

3- do I have to say what I did to my parents?
4- what if someone asks me?
5- is there any duaa I can say to feel better?
6- is there any way in wich i can forgive myself?
7- do I have to avoid to get married in order to not do any wrong to the person willing to marry me?
8- does a woman has to bleed during the first night of marriage?
9-what if he notices my hymen is torn?what do i have to do or say?
Hope for an answer.

Time: January 22, 2014 at 9:43 AM

A: It is apparent that you have realized that you did things that were not in your best interest. The best repentance is to acknowledge ones wrong to Allah (SWT) and correct one self. The worst thing a person can do is ask for forgiveness for the committed wrong. In this regard, you seem to be doing well, Alhamdulillah.

Answers:

1.Yes, more so, if you feel that you are going to fall into sin, you should ask your parents for assistance in finding you a spouse. If you have found someone, you should take this person to your parents. This would help you live a life comprised of less guilt and wrong. It will InshaAllah make you happier.

2. No, however, in the interview session, if he makes it clear that he would not appreciate any woman having a ‘poor past,’ then it is best you stay away from him. Skeletons do have a tendency to come out, the last thing you need to do is live in such fear. This does not mean you need to tell him your entire past. Example of a question you can pose: If a man did wrong, should a female hold it against him? Would the same apply if it was the other way around? Better yet, have your brother or a caring male ask him such personal questions.

3. No, however, if you have parents that are understanding and nonjudgmental and accept certain poor choices you have made, you may tell them. Yes, they may be shocked, however, if they are open minded and realize that youth have challenges and these challenges need to be addressed, they would understand your situation and help you find the right person. By contrast, if you feel they are going to be abusive, etc., it is best you do not tell them a thing. This is an Islamic right you have. (Lately, a set of parents and siblings got very abusive to a girl because she sought outside help regarding a person she was not very happy in marrying. Apparently, parents want to live in western countries, make their children work in western countries, dress their children like westerners, except for putting a scarf on the head — such parents want to also look good by insisting their children get married in accordance to ways that would make them look good abroad! This sometimes causes violence when the parents sense a rejection from the children).

4.You do not need to reveal your past errors to anyone and do not do it! Experience tells us, people tend to gossip. Forget the concept of a best friend (or future spouse) to share such details! Sadly, most people twist the story and would cause you greater ills. However, call up a scholar anonymously and seek her assistance. Remember, if you tell a friend or future spouse what you have done, later if a third party asks them the following: did sister so and so have sexual relations prior to marriage, and I am asking because so and so male wishes to marry her, your ‘friend’ can say the following: Because it is marriage, yes, sister so and so did certain wrongs. So watch what you say to friends, men that propose and foes alike!

5. Abdullah ibn Abi Awfa (RA) relates that Rasool (SAW) said, “Whoever has a need with Allah, or with any human being, then let them perform a good ablution well and thereafter pray two rakats. Thereafter let them praise Allah  (SWT) and send salutations upon Rasool (SAW). Thereafter recite:

لا إِلَهَ إِلا اللَّهُ الْحَلِيمُ الْكَرِيمُ
سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ

6. Sincere repentance will gain you forgiveness from Allah (SWT.)

7. I appreciate you not wanting to hurt your future spouse, however, this does not mean you must not get married. Some men would tell you during the interview that they do not have a great past. Some men have said: I would like my past to be sealed, I will not discuss errors you have made and nor should you discuss it with me. If you met such a man, Allah (SWT) has truly blessed you.

8. No, one does not have to always bleed on the first night. This is a myth. Cultures place a heavy burden of this misnomer upon woman. Additionally, the rate of such bleeding differs between woman. Some spot, for others it is a smear, and for a few other women it can be severe.

9. Hymnal layer can be torn due to different reasons. Tampon usage (a makrooh action.) Certain rough exercises, etc. It is not common, but it does happen. It can also deteriorate due to aging process (according to the fiqh kitabs.) Woman having the hymen torn is not indicative of her losing her virginity. Sexual activity means you have lost your virginity — even if she did not bleed! Hymnal tear without sexual activity does not negate your virginity. The books of fiqh are very clear about this too.

Sadly, experienced men and women, some of them claimed religiosity, yet have remained ignorant regarding the above. They have contributed to ruining marriages with their incorrect data sharing. In one case, a man divorced his wife because she did not bleed enough. He only realized his error when his own sister did not bleed at all when she got married.

Respected questioner, although you were wrong to do what you have done, as a society we have to gain additional knowledge regarding the bodies of men and woman — at the appropriate time of course.

Allah Certainly knows Best.