Q:  Salam,

I have been learning Korean for many years now and I have taught many Korean students English. I finally met this one guy and he was just an overall good person. He had manners, charm, everything you want to see in a person. We were talking one day and he said he wanted to convert to Islam. I was shocked but he seemed sincere. I finally thought, I think he’s the one for me. He has been learning about Islam for over a year now. He has read many books and also has been reading the Quran. He has also visited the mosque and has spoken with mentors. I finally decided to tell my parents and they are typical Pakistani parents. They were in shock and wanted to kick me out. They thought I was crazy because they think I only want to be with him because he’s Korean and I love Korean things. It is not true. They do not believe me, of course. I really want to marry him but my parents are only thinking culturally and even when I explain everything to them Islamically, they still do not listen. They want a Pakistani and that is it. It is like hell for me nowadays. I’m not allowed to go out and if I do, my parents give me a look that says “I’m a horrible daughter” and it puts guilt into me and I just end up staying at home. I’m also at the age when everyone gets married. I’m 25, so they are worried that this Korean guy might ruin my life and I will end up missing my chance to get married. I believe, if he does end up ruining my life, Allah has intended it to be so. Allah knows best and maybe it is to make me a better person so I do not fear for Allah knows all. I actually wasn’t a great muslim before not that I went clubbing or drinking or anything. I just didn’t practice that often. After meeting him, I pray all the time, I read the Quran, I try to set an example and I feel like I am becoming a better person and Muslim because of him. I have always had a curfew which is 10pm and I’m 25 years old! I have always listened to my parents or tried to but I have never done anything wrong, this is the biggest thing I have ever done by telling them who I want to marry. I even emailed an Imam about isthikara (Even though I know one should do it by themselves because it is between you and Allah only) and he said he would email me in this week and then two weeks go by and he still didn’t email me. I emailed him three times and finally he responded and just said, “My suggestion is stay away” That is all the Imam said. He didn’t give me guidance nor tell me what he “saw” or “felt” I emailed him back asking him all of this and he just replied, “Not a good feeling” I didn’t understand. Did this Imam do it right? Did he do it for 7 days? Everyone around me told me to ignore it because it didn’t seem reliable but my mom is siding with the Imam and is making it harder for me every day. She keeps saying she will kill herself and she doesn’t want to face the humility from her family and her social group of friends. My dad also says the same thing and actually my dad has been cheating on my mother for a long time(My mother and my whole family knows) but my mother can’t divorce him and lets him do everything because she fears what other people say. She says if I marry this Korean, it will break her heart even more. It’s putting too much pressure and burden on me. I don’t know what to do. If he is muslim and I am muslim, there is nothing wrong Islamically for us to get married, right? What if my parents still never accept him in the end even though he has reverted and is a good person? Do I leave him? I fear the afterlife that Allah will punish me for disobeying my parents for my own happiness. I am so confused. InshaAllah will help make it easier and I will keep praying that they will accept us. Please pray for me as well, inshaAllah.
MashaAllah, he has decided to convert tomorrow inshaAllah but when I asked the Imam what should we do because I am not familiar with the procedures of non-muslims so I just asked. Maybe the Imam needs an appointment right? I go to a different mosque that is closer to me and he wants to go one that is closer to him so I emailed that Imam. He said if I was an active member I would know these things. I felt bad. How can an Imam say this to me? He also said he has to learn salah and many things before converting. From what I know(Allah knows best) He just has to accept the religion, believe Allah is one, fear him, and know that Muhammad(Pbuh) is his last messenger. He can always learn everything afterwards and sometimes it helps motivate people more because I have one friend who has converted and he didn’t know how to pray but still converted and now knows everything mashaAllah. I told the Imam the Imam everything I said and said that the other mosque said it was also true that he just has to accept Islam. This Imam got angry and told me to go there instead. I said that wasn’t true, I was only asking questions because I lack knowledge and as an Imam shouldn’t he help guide me? He got even more angry and said, “young girl, don’t you dare tell an Imam what to do.” I said, why are you turning me away and telling me to go to another mosque? And I was merely asking a question. He said I was arguing with him and trying to twist his words. That is not true at all. I apologized and said I’m sorry if you think I am arguing with you. He said stop acting innocent and you’re only trying to marriage conversion, that is your true intention. I was so shocked and hurt. How can an Imam say this to me? I told him he shouldn’t assume what I think and that I was sorry. He kept telling me to go to the other mosque. I didn’t want to ruin this for my friend, he wanted to go to this mosque so I apologized over and over in about five emails for him to forgive me. He finally said just come during zhur and he will convert him but for marriage he needs to take time and become a practicing muslim. I told him I agree, it’s not about marriage conversion only. It is about him converting and I cannot stop him from doing so but this Imam shouldn’t have assumed I was only doing it for marriage. I also wish for my friend to become a good, practicing muslim and have my parents accept him and then marry him. It might take months or years but I want what is best for my future children inshaAllah and also I do not want to get punished in the afterlife. I am trying to think seriously but with people like this Imam and the other Imam, I feel like it’s a sign? Maybe I am not supposed to get married to my friend if it is this hard? Or is it just some obstacles that will lead me to happiness? I feel utter guilt, fear and I do not know what to do again. I am so lost. Please advice me about what is right, inshaAllah.

Time: Sunday December 30, 2012 at 10:06 am

 

A: Walaikumsalam,

Dear Sister, I would keep my response simple.

The conversion to Islam by this man would be a valid conversion. As Muslims, we do not know nor do we judge the hearts of people. Your marriage to him after this conversion to Islam would also be correct.

Recommendation: As for now, stay away from him and all men. Let your mind clear up. Do not let shaytan allow you act in a desperate manner.  Allow him the space to do a voluntary conversion to Islam. Let him learn the basics. Once he feels that he has made the correct choice to be a muslim, marry him in front of an imaam and a group of people while your parents are present for the nikah.

I urge you to proceed with caution with any proposal you are to attain.

May Allah (SWT) make your matters easy for you and your family, ameen.

Allah certainly Knows Best.