Time: Saturday May 8, 2010 at 1:19 pm

We are living in contradictory times. Our values have been derived from kitab-un-nikah frm the hadith kitab called Mishkaat shareef. Our response is in light of aspects that pertain to the sharia definition of compatibility, as well as factors that promote healthy relational living between partners.

As we are aware, we are living in times wherein we like to think in terms of equity and equality. We also like to think that when we ‘love’ the other, it does not matter if the other is poor or wealthy. Reality bears testimony that such is wishful thinking. Data also has made clear that women prefer ‘their’ men to be better than them in what they view as ‘manly’ matters. This usually refers to financial disposition, status and the like.

I have yet to see a ‘wealthy Muslim woman’ making the following claim: “Alhamdulillah Allah (SWT) has given me an honest husband who is a janitor, garbage collector, burger flipper at a halal restaurant, etc.” Quite contrarily, I have seen Muslim women who felt they needed to marry and thus married men ‘lower’ than them and had the following to say after a few years of marriage: “My house payments are $3000, he only makes 2500. I was used to going on vacation every year, now I must go alone with the kids because he only gets 2 weeks off, and the list goes on.” Rare indeed is the woman who makes such sacrifices in standards of living quietly! After all, my friend, a woman who has money is not a stupid woman. Let’s not confuse the first days of marriage with the realities that follow thereafter.

I agree that nothing is wrong with the above-mentioned occupations. Better yet, it never ceases to amaze me as to why it must be always the Afghan, Brazilian, Somali, Pakistani, South African, Puerto-Rican, etc. who prefer to move to reside in America during their prime years and why is the opposite not as common prior to retirement? Why is it that a man who loses his job would prefer to suffer in America than go back to his native land? America is America and marrying it’s citizens comes with what some view as honor. No?  Each of us does not know what would be in store for us as we progress through life. But reality must be faced. Religion does this rather well.

As for the matter relating to Khadijah radiAllahu anha, she underwent starvation for months on end, was in her 60s when banished and made to starve, she was a woman who passed away with little material valuables by her side. She praised her Rasulullah (SAW) before her children even when they had little worldly possession and even said with tears streaming down her cheeks, ‘if I had to repeat all this (pain) again, I would do it do for a better jannah.’ Are you comparing today’s jean-wearing, tank-top posing woman with highlights in her already dyed-to-death hair whose clothing size can be noticed from a  mile away to that of Sayyidinah Khadijah? For the record, we have cases wherein women prefer divorce because the husband refused to offer continual cable coverage  and refused to award ‘his woman’ a particular jewelry set for the wedding platter to safe guard her respect (izzat!)! Are we on the same page, my brother/sister? By the way, did you also just compare the wife of a prophet to the wives of men who prefer to watch the Utah Jazz?! Men (not boys, men) who prefer video games in their 20’s over Quran and Sunnah?!  Say suppose you as a woman are fully prepared to happily make the sacrifices equivalent to 1/100th of what Sayyidinah Khadija (RA) went through…what makes you so certain that the man who won’t be able to provide for you in the way you’re already accustomed will be able to be 1/100th (or 1/1 000 000 th) of Nabi Kareem Sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam? Only when you are 100 percent certain in the parity of your goals with the goals of your intended are you ready to proceed, albeit still with a great deal of caution.

The above are examples that nationality does matter. So does occupation. So does financial predisposition. Sure, some people prefer men who are poorer, less educated, less good looking than themselves — be it for matters of control, i.e., to attain a good son-in-law for the business assistance, have a partner that is less good looking so they can be in control of ‘the situation,’ etc. Generally, this is not the case for women. Looking for a ‘lower status person’ for a woman generally has never been the case. This applies to all major cultures when viewed with an eye of fairness. Women by nature want the best, not necessarily for themselves, but to pass on the best ‘genes’ and circumstances to the next generation. It is part of the inherent nature of women. This is not a bad thing; it is just a reality we must all face with maturity. Exceptions do exist, but exceptions are not rules. This is part of the design and internal composition of people.

The notion that women should marry upwards as per mobility is due to what can be also viewed as an appreciation factor. When a woman lacks contentment, she would make it apparent to her family and children, thus affecting the status of ‘her man’ in the eyes of those to whom it matters. Children lose respect for the head of household when a female possesses more clout. How can a man tell his children to pray, do good etc. when the head of household has shifted to a female? Better yet, a man is to fit the bill, when a woman takes on such a responsibility, not only is she extending herself beyond the call of duty, she is doing what a man must be providing for. Sure, women are pious and pious woman do exist, and there are woman who would give everything they own to help out a given situation. Again, exceptions do exist, and again: exceptions are not the rule or norm.

The above are not limitations. They are modern day realities. Yes, you are welcome to marry as you prefer. I have yet to see as a norm a wealthy Muslimah saying to a man making a pittance in comparison to her, “yes you are my first catch without any conditions attached! Better yet, I love you for who you are, you can call your mom whenever you want, respect your parents are you please and say to them  ‘me casa es tu casa.’” Typically, the reverse is the case, if not within the honeymoon period, then certainly by the time children arrive on the scene; if not with such direct words, the certainly with very direct implications in both speech and action. As a result, I would say to the well-intentioned, rose-tinted woman: Don’t place limitations on yourself as result of your wealth.  Just prevent yourself from becoming sadistic.

Woman, go easy on this response. All I am saying is that religion wants the best for you. If you want to go lower in every domain, it’s your choice.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

p.s above response has been reviewed by female admin for greater female appreciation.