Question:
AsSalaamuAlaikoom.

I’m College student, come from a good family and i try my best to live according to Quran and sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh). A While back, i started to like this muslim brother, and i approached him and told  him how i feel about him. ( I know what i did was wrong and i  admit that is haram in Islam, and i shouldn’t have done), but Somehow he told his parents and his parents brought it in front of my parents, and their parents told my parents that “they need to control their daughter and this and that”! My parents were very embarrassed by my action, and i did apologize for my actions and i told them i shouldn’t have done anything like that! but my parents were very angry with me and decided to take me back home in X (country name withheld)  to do my marriage with someone i never met before, someone i don’t like, someone I’m not even compatible. I didn’t agree in my heart that i should marry this individual, but due to parental pressure it happen! Our engagement was done!
Now, i am back here in US, i feel like i should live my life with someone i can be compatible, someone that I’m attracted to, someone that values Islam more than culture, 1) What does Islam say about breaking this engagement, which is my parents choice, not my choice. i know in my heart that i won’t be happy with this individual. I don’t want to be with this individual cause it’s parent choice not my choice. My parents took my right away from me, by picking this individual for me! 2) What about in case, of nikah was done, and we participated in adult activities. Can i still get my Divorce from this individual?
The reason I’m asking, these question is cause i met a brother that we are compatible, and i think he will accept me if i broke this relationship with this other individual in X (country name withheld) . ( I don’t talk this guy in XXXXXXXX, i don’t feel like i like him, i don’t want to be unjust to him anymore, what do i need to do?) Please Imaam, i understand you are extremely busy, but if you can answer this question as soon as you can, i would pray to Allah (swt) to make everything easy for you. I don’t want to do more things, to keep breaking the laws of Allah. jazakullah kharian   (Muslima in need of guidance)

Time: Sunday November 8, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Answer: ?????? ?????? ????? ???? ???????

1. Talking to men and approaching them for marriage are not haram actions in themselves — if that was all you had done. As we view your case, you seem to have issues with behavior towards dealing and picking men. (Three men whilst trying to focus upon college is a lot of men to go through for a Muslim woman or man, more so in a short span by any moral standard) Our issue is not with you proposing as much as it is with you not having a full grasp of the consequences of the impact that such a proposition would have on your life, and those around you.
2. At the time of the sahabah, people were not pretentious. When the sahaba liked someone, within the confinements of sharia they would approach and propose. They were aware of environmental constraints and acted accordingly.  It your case, you should have known your family as well as gathered enough psychological data regarding the person you intended to propose for, before you presented your emotions prematurely in public preview. We agree with you, it was not the best thing to have done. The person and his family could have dealt with the matter in a more rational and mature manner. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) saved you from them, for that you should be thankful.
3. Your problem is that you have repeated this act of talking to men and wanting to possibly marry them. Be it voluntarily or otherwise. For example, you should not have approached this current man (flame!) prior to your ‘engagement’  being dissolved. But you possibly wanted security in pursuing weak men that do not know better. You wanted your bread buttered on both sides. You give the impression that you lack good choice making abilities. You seem leery within your moral values and not understanding of the consequences to your current ‘engagement.’ (As you so candidly call it!)  You seem to have a problem with the social choices you make. I would never advice your ‘new’ man to marry you. You don’t deal with issues that would result in attaining a permanent solution. You run from man to man! This is poor behavior on your path.
4. The solution towards a problem was not marriage to another person when the first guys family over played their role. In evaluating their claim of “they need to control their daughter and this and that”! There seems to be some truth in their statement. (After all, you did repeat this behavior!)
5. Your parents should have sat you down and helped you deal effectively with your given concerns of marriage. Your parents aided in placing you from the frying pan to the fire. Their intention may have been good. Good intentions in themselves are not enough in Islam. Approach is just as important.

If it is only an engagement and not nikah that you have done with this overseas fellow, then your options are simple. You can continue with the engagement and later get married to him. Or you can break the engagement off. Parents in Islam cannot take away a right that Allah has given woman regarding their marital choices!

6. If you married him and did ‘adult stuff,’ then to abrogate the marriage through a sharia court or group of scholars would be difficult. If he is understanding, then it would be fine. (Some foreign men only give the talaq after they attain their green card and much more! That is why many of them chose to marry woman from the USA!) If there is abuse in your relationship, the matter maybe more in your favor. That does not seem to be the case.
   
7. My concern is not marriage for you as much as it is your lifestyle choices.
8. It would help for you to attain genuine counseling and Islamic understanding on how to deal with social matters. I feel you are not fully ready for marriage at this point. You need to fully develop emotionally, psychologically, socially, etc. prior to embarking on this journey.

You are guided; you just need greater focus on accomplishing your needs in a manner that would do justice to your values. Shaytan likes people to act in haste; haste comes with an ill willed price tag.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

p.s. do not take our advice as harsh. We want the best for you. Look at what we are saying within the context of your concerns. We may not always give you what you may always want to hear. We want you to seek a permanent solution to your behaviors. Think long term.

We agree with all you have said regarding a compatible mate, etc. You should not be condemned for life for your ill choices. I think once you reform yourself thoroughly, things would brighten up for you. InshaAllah, Ameen

May Allah reward you for you duas towards us, Ameen