Question:

Assalam Alaykum,

Ya sheikh, I was wondering because I am having trouble finding a Muslima in order to marry here in Salt Lake City and that according to the Quran Muslims can marry a Christian or a Jew… what is a practical way of going about marrying for example a Christian without falling into doing what would be considered haram?  What I am specifically talking about is what would be a practical method of ‘courting’ a non-muslim woman?  That is, a non-muslim woman does not generally adhere to the ‘arranged engagement’ process that generally Muslims follow… so what type of guidelines should a Muslim man follow in this case? And just as a note I am a reverted Muslim who does not have the Islamic family ties to the community like how others might have.

Also, I would like to further comment that I would of course prefer to go about marriage in the traditional Islamic sense if that would be possible, but unfortunately it seems to be difficult here in Salt Lake.  So what am I to do if I have the financial means to be married and am having a very hard time being single?

Please send a message on behalf of me and I believe other brothers who are possibly having the same troubles. Jazakallah khair,

Name (with held)

Time: Sunday November 1, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Answer: ?????? ?????? ????? ???? ???????

You are in a complex bouillabaisse regarding your marital matter. Our experience has shown the following: you would have to overcome race, economic status, culture as well as tribal concerns, skin completion, educational qualms, etc. (By the way, these are just starters in Utah!) Suffice to say: your situation is not unique. Many Muslims residing is western countries remain part of a similar predicament. We have passed up this type of question prior. We thank you for bringing it to the forefront once again!

First things first:

You need to get hold of reputable elder(s) within the community that have a good network of friends and track record on all matters. You need to be around people that are open in wanting to represent you for your genuine religious values. Do not be around people that remain self centered and only aspire to have their personal interests represented. Stay away from people that want to limit your choices and insist on setting you up with their families abroad, or their best friend’s daughter — unless that is what you are seeking. Be local and stay local if possible. If there are respectable people in other states, do not dispose your possibilities.

Don’t be fooled

Some men and woman have double lives. You need to do your homework very thoroughly. Never rush the matter. If you lack a network, or lack in your homework, you can get exploited to say the least. Never rush a critical decision. Let it takes months if necessary. Better safe than sorry. Cry now or cry later to get rid of her.

Best to marry a Muslim

If you were to consider a nonMuslim as a last resort, then it would be necessary for you to interview her in a public setting. There are surveys that can also be utilized in gaining insight to a person that wishers to respond truthfully.

It would be preferred that you use a Muslim website that is run by a Muslim organization as a final alternative. Islamic conferences also remain a helping hand for men to meet sisters with their respective guardians. If you chose meeting a woman from work, college, etc. she must always be with her parents or guardians when you chose to interact with her. If possible, you too should have a person of respect besides you, so as to prevent any unwanted occurrences/accusations. If she has no guardian, then you can interview her in the company of an appropriate elder, so as to safeguard each person’s reputation.  Best she always is interviewed in an Islamic setting, so she knows that she is indeed marrying a Muslim. Questions must be presented to get to know the person for whom they are as effective spouses, shared values, etc. Not what is your favorite color, or if you like your fish half cooked, or raw!

Let me share a little:

As am Imaam, I have met men and woman that have claimed to been excellent for each other. Let me share the bases of rejection:

White male (math teacher) refused by black family due to her parents making the claim: ‘we aint gonna be slaves twice!’ She married off (because it was claimed that it was Islamic thing to do!!!) to a ‘wonderful’ male that was arrested 3 weeks before she gave birth to a child! She was now seeking rent money (Kentucky case)

An Muslim woman of African descent was refused due to her race. She has a PhD in education. As his (divorced) father said: our entire khandaan (tribe) would be humiliated! (Florida case)

A boy was refused by the girls’ side due to him not wanting to live with her in the home of her parents. He was also called upon to pay $1350 rent per month towards her parents home. (Louisiana case)

I met a top specialist/researcher, he won many medals for his work. He was rejected due to lacking a green card! He married a Christian woman. Got the green card process going. His new salary: $250 000. The woman that rejected him has freshly accepted his prior rejected proposal. She now insists that i (the imaam) help her! Her current green card husband only makes $28 000 a year!!! (Texas case)

Woman 25 (nurse), male 28 (lawyer) rejected on the fact that he was Pakistani and she was from Bangladesh. (Case presented to me at John Wayne airport!)

Due to privacy matters that I have chosen to uphold, I am not sharing with you cases that I am aware of within our state — Utah. Let me say this to you: You are on a steep climb.

Wishing you the best, let us hear from others, should they even wish to assert themselves on this matter.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

From what I have seen, you are a good looking healthy and seemingly moderate and yet a religious person with a good head on his shoulders. A rare combination for our woman these days. Let’s see what happens. We usually don’t assist on marital matters. But you may be the exception. Good Luck, Ameen.