Assalamu Alaykum,

What is the best way to control our temper? And how can we teach ourselves to become silent? (hopeful&calm)

Time: Thursday September 3, 2009

Answer:

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Anger in Islam is not prohibited. There is a place and time for it. We are not animals in that, people can do to us as they chose and we must take all the abuse they send our way. By contrast, to get angry for every petty matter is also not part of our religion.

First we must know the definition of anger

Anger for the average person results from a deluded mindset. This negative or alerted state causes  anger to be displaced upon another entity (human, etc.) that the aggressor feels unattractive or negative towards. Thus at times exaggerating a given occurrence. In the process, the anger functions to 1) sooth an emotion and 2) functions as a convincing variable to our deluded mindset that we are correct in a given act of aggression.

Are you a coward in your anger?

Scholars have said it well: if a person that you have viewed as more superior to yourself (employer, etc.) hurts you in some manner and yet you remain calm, versus anger towards relational partner or any other person you view as more vulnerable or lower to yourself, then chances are you are not justified in your display of anger. For in one case you have fear, and this fear keeps you calm, yet when you are in a dominant position, you exploit the weak with a tempter tantrum! Likewise, our Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) has stated:  strength is not to overpower a person, rather, it is the ability to be calm despite one having the power/control to do mean things.

Everything has a cure (silence is best!)

The cure for anger is simple: when angry, recite dorood (salutations upon Rasulullah SAW). If standing, sit; if sitting then lay down. This may not be practicable for many in all situations. Suffice to say, change the topic or become silent, take longer to respond to that which angers you.  Before you display your anger, ask yourself: 1) what would the consequences be of my given anger? 2) How do I look when I get angry? 3) Do I look nice? 4) Do others find me attractive when I get angry? 5) Am I reacting to the wishers of the devil or my Creator?  Practice this advice for a few months and we assure you profound success, insha-Allah.

Alternatively, say  tawooz, drink water (when not fasting) make wudhu, change your posture or environment. Never be angry for more than three days at a given person. Before you get angry, always ask yourself, can I prove my anger through Quran and Hadith. If the answer remains in the negative, shelve the anger. Scholars have also added, pray for the person you are angry with, and Allah (Subhanahu Wata’Ala) would bring love in your heart. Allah (Subhanahu Wata’Ala) is Merciful, and loves for us to be that way too.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

p.s. the fact that you asked us on how to be silent shows to us that you are aware not only you have a problem with anger, but you are also aware that silence is best response.