Q. Our family has turned into a mess. How does a woman or man refuse a Muslim marriage proposal without creating a tribal conflict and generational feud and family wars? Notjustanafganpakistanisomalimatter (hand delived question – june5th)

A. Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was asked His blessed hand in marriage by a woman. He politely looked down after the person made the request. This was indicative of Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam’s) lack of interest. The female did not take it personally. A sahabi saw this interaction and proposed for the woman instead. She was a sahabiyah as well.

As a lesson to the ummah, she did not refuse this sahabi due to her wanting the prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam), or only a lawyer, or only an specialty qualified motor mechanic. She looked at the sahabi that was proposing to her (RA), accepted his proposition and he made the proper arrangements for marital success. Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) defended her by asking the sahabi to give her (RA) something of value as mehr. A second lesson is that on need not give a lengthy explanation as to why they are not interested in a given party.

Thus, although one need not say ‘no’ to a proposal, one can be silent as in the above example, (take the call after a week instead of a day!) Make a polite excuse: my child is studying, at this point I have to overcome certain personal matters, I am a little young/old, or I would like a younger/older person that is more compatible, more mature, one that afford marriage without running to mommy/daddy for bread money — are all plausible and possible excuses for rejection. The best would be the following in a situation of persistence: I honestly do not feel it would work out between our families. Its sounds harsh, but sometimes this is the only way certain people listen.

Generally our Muslim culture can read between the lines when a person is not interested.

Men can use the following claim: I cannot afford marriage at this point (this does not mean that when the female persists, the man must exploit her responses!) I need to take care of my parents; I have to complete my education prior to embarking on a marital journey, etc.  (a journey it is for those married!)

At all times be respectful to all parties. Never be rude. Never act superior. Who knows, your politeness may be well appreciated. When you are ready, the party you rejected may even give you a recommendation for a better spouse.

Once a NO has been given, never regret your choice. Never keep tabs on the one you rejected, or the one that rejected you. Never stalk anyone. Let each person live a contented life, and you live yours with respect and dignity! This is what we call: getting a life!

Allah Certainly Knows Best.