Question:

Asslam-o-Alikum,

I hope you are doing good. I am XYYY From XYZ. (we try and omit names of people and places as best as we can)

In my family girls are not allowed to get married out of the Cast and everybody in my family respects my father so much and they take his advice in every matter of their life. In fact my father is more against marrying
daughters out of the casts then the others.
Although the problem is that i was involved with a boy, unfortunately he didn’t belonged to my cast, I am ***** (tribe, cast, back ground) but he is **** (Tribe, cast country names).  So it was seems to be impossible to get married then we decide to do court marriage and we will tell our parents latter or if situations gets worse then we will run away.
After court marriage he went back to Saudi Arabia (he is settled there with his family). When he went back he told his father his father didn’t like the idea of running away but he agreed to talk to my father but then I stopped him not to talk to my father. It was because I was scared from his anger. We were in touch by calls and msgs and also through internet.
In august 2008 his mother call my father and complained about me but didt told about nikah my father got angered on me… but latter we solved the matter he asked me about the boy but I rejected to admit.
Then i realized its not good to run we must talk to our parents first .. then he returned to Pakistan in December 2008.. on his retun his mother rang my father again….
This time his father talked to my father to and told him about nikah said that I have no objection we can talk and we can find out a solution together but my father refused and threaten them. Now my father looking for a guy for me.
We never had physical relations. We dnt want to take any further step we have realized without the consent of parent its wrong but what shall we do now? I personally don’t want to leave him not because I love him it is because his nature is good and he respects
me a great deal.
I have tried to clear all the situation I want to ask few things that without absent of father or guardian is nikah valid?
What shall I do to make my father agree?

Answer:

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For Muslims, the word court marriage and nikah have separate meanings. Based on your lack of clarity, we are to place extra effort in helping you gain insight to your options.

Scenario 1: At first you mention that you are court married. Then you state the word nikah. In the United States, one needs to get court married so as to fulfill the requirements of the state; Muslims are also called upon take part in a nikah ceremony so as to make this wedded motion a religious act which fulfills the Islamic criteria of making both of you halal for each another.

Scenario 2: If you went to a court that does both — a court marriage which is inclusive of a nikah, then we suggest you take this case to them for farther evaluation, or invalidation (known as fasak).

Scenario 3: Had you done a court marriage and not a nikah, then Islamically you remain unmarried to him. According to western courts the matter would be different. This would mean that you can get a court annulment without the consent of your male counterpart. This would be allowed for a muslimah, since you are not Islamically married to him. You can thereafter marry whom your parents and you desire.

Scenario 4: Should this be a nikah which took place, inclusive of a court marriage, then two realities remain: If you are Hanafee, then the marriage goes through, but viewed as a wretched and repulsive action, depriving you of many spiritual rewards. If the marriage as you claim remains to be non-consummated and your father does have a better person for you — a male more compatible to your needs, then you should listen to him. Should this occur, merely go and have your nikah voided by a religious body. After all, no adult activities took place between you and him. Should your father have an evil person in mind for you, and you remain in need of ‘adult companionship,’ then you can decline parental choice in favor of your current counterpart. If informing your father would prove violent, then it should be done with discretion, and not in a manner that would jeopardize your life, or the life of other humans.

Scenario 5: If you are shafee, had you done a nikah based on the above data you have furnished, your nikah remains invalid.

Scenario 6: Had the marriage been consummated, then it is best you tell your parents as to the truthful nature of your current situation. You need not share with them the level of intimacy that has occurred. If violence is suspected, then it should be done with discretion, and not in a manner that would jeopardize your life, or the life of other humans.

Scenario 7: Not wanting to leave him because ‘his nature is good’ is an unsuccessful scathing as well as failing excuse. No good ‘religious’ man (or woman) goes and gets court married without parental consent in Islam. And no decent set of parents would encourage such deviant behavior. Do not hoodwink yourself. Attain some personal dignity and class.

Scenario 8: The only thing you can do to make your father agree with your deviant behavior is to show him all that you have mentioned to us. Merely show him your question to us, and our response to you!

If you have not performed a nikah, nor consummation of the marriage has taken place, it remains factual that no person can make an accusation upon your relational ties with this male which would tarnish your reputation, then in such a situation merely have this court marriage annulled, and move on with your life in a respectful manner. Should people know of this nikah, your name is already tainted within your community and getting married to a respectful person would become difficult, then under such circumstances you will need to ask your parents for forgiveness. Ask them for their blessings, and accept the consequences of your choice to be with this man.

Reality: How do you ever expect your parents, your husband as well as your in-laws to ever trust you when you deceive, cheat, take part in sneaky behaviors. Such actions remain unbecoming for a believer.

We suggest you take this case to your local qualified scholar, preferably with your parents, uncle, brother in hand. In all honesty, what you have presented to us remains thus far a loss-loss situation. May Allah change your matters for the better, give respect to you, and turn the tide of negativity into that which is beneficial to all. Ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best

p.s. You may have neglected yourself the opportunity of reading http://islaminaction.wordpress.com/?s=parental+consent