Q:
Hello!
I have a question – I am looking to get married and there is a potential suitor. However, after communicating with him (via phone, etc) for some time I feel we have very little in common. And his family wants a quick response. He comes from a good family, good religious values, etc. but certain aspects about his personality bring out the worst in me. I become impatient, bossy and a bit of a bully (and by nature I am not like that) because I start feeling frustrated and I do not want to be unreasonable with someone. I have been told by elders that these aspects of his personality will not change (they are not BAD aspects, but just completely incompatible with what I feel I need to be a happy and good wife to someone) and if I go ahead with this, I need to accept these. I feel I have my answer already but I suppose what I am wondering is if there is an Islamic perspective on this? My take is that there are so many nice people, but not all nice people can make happy couples (and remain nice with each other).
Time: Wednesday May 5, 2010 at 8:14 am
Answers:
*You need not rush with your marital response. Marry in haste and tear forever.
*Evaluate what you are to gain versus what you are to lose by choosing an alternative. Weight your options. If you feel the outcome would be negative, then take a longer time to give your response.
*If you feel you are not going to do justice to the institution of marriage, then its best to decline then embark on a negative footing.
*You need to be specific as to what angers you. You have not made that clear to us. Is your anger religiously based or upon a whim. If it is an anger that does not have a religious bases, then it is from shaytan.
*Perform istikara. Asking humans limits the spiritual strength and insight you are to gain.
Islamic perspective: look for compatibility on matters of religion. Determine your future based on religiosity. You claim ‘he comes from a good family, good religious values, etc.’ but yet you are seemingly repulsed by him. You have not even made mention of an appropriate reasoning behind this matter.
Knowing that you would not find a perfect human, a little bit of give and take would be normal. If negative traits cannot be overcome and are going to affect your desirability which would result in greater problems, then it is better a rejection occurs now than later.
Islam gives both — woman and men a choice as to their marital partner. You must be realistic. Do not do what you not committed to doing. Don’t make you life a mess and the life of another a mess either.
Islam respects the right of parental assistance in their child in finding the right spouse.
Life does not turn out according to our wishers. We cannot let a few petty emotions dictate our future. Your feeling must not be discredited, however, they must be evaluated from the vantage point if attempting to attain greater insight as to who you are and intend to be.
Istikara remains important for all faithful servants. Your matter has been addressed here.
Allah Certainly Knows Best.