Q:

Salamu 3alaikum,

If I meet a sister in either school, university, work, friends, community and so on. How can I approach the sister with the intention of marriage the proper Islamic way?

Thank you

Time: Friday January 29, 2010 at 7:51 pm

Answers:

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Your question is highly valid. More so, for those that chose to reside in America and seek spouses within our range of residence. Your options are many. We are to share three simple yet religiously focused possibilities.

Option one:

Give her an email address of you sister/aunt, etc.  and say the following: Seeing that you are a Muslimah, I would like my sister(s) to talk you, can you be kind enough to email them. If she emails them, well and good, if not, oh well.

Women understand women and do not have to lie to each other about themselves. Women/men have to impress each other. Same gender persons do not always do this. Your aunt/sister would ask the appropriate questions to the potential spouse. As they flesh out matters within a few conversations, they would cover the following areas:  Are you single? Do you have a cultural bias? What type of person are you seeking? What’s your take on the prophets, Sahaba, role of men/woman, likes and dislikes, values relating to adoption versus having your own children, concept of divorce, etc.

(It would be hard to marry a person that hates a Sahabi, degrades a person of religion, who does not care about improving their level of religiosity, confused as to who they are, etc.!)

Option two:

*Before you approach, make sure she is 100% single

*Make sure that her parents have no issue with your ‘type’

*That you qualify for marriage; have the finances to fulfill its obligation

If she agrees to meet you, make sure you are NOT alone. Schedule it with a person you both agree upon and trust and a third party both your parents respect. First impressions can be lasting impressions. Be yourself and be truthful.

Ask questions that reflect the type of person you are dealing. Do not waste your time with only asking: ‘so, what’s your favorite color?’ ‘Oh my, mine to!’ If you looking for a coloring book friend, marriage may not be for you! (Yet)

Focus on finding out about the persons core values, health matters that are important to you, financial dilemmas and perplexities, etc. Marriage is not the time for surprises!

Never be desperate to be with anyone. This only hurts you in the long run. Take your time, it’s a life impacting decision and treat it as such. Be sorry now and shed tears for life.

Option 3: (best for last)

Sunnah way:

Eliminate all games and find a person that is looking for what you looking for.

Find out who her parents/guardians are. Get information on her uncles/aunts, predisposition towards how they treat children, their value towards life, etc.

Go to her parents/guardians and clearly state, I would like to marry your daughter, here are my qualifications, my values are x, y and z. I would appreciate meeting with you a few times so you can get to know me better, so we can make a good decision. Don’t be desperate! What is willed for you will take place!

Best of luck,

Allah Certainly Knows Best.